Talent does what it can; genius does what it must. My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes. Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it. I'll sleep when I'm dead. Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it. Too often we give our children answers to remember rather than problems to solve. Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe. I would have made a good Pope. Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. All right, Brain, I don't like you and you don't like me -- so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. I'll moider da bum. The quality of the moment is more important than the number of our days. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. The Eskimo has fifty-two names for snow because it is important to them; there ought to be as many for love. Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough. A clever man commits no minor blunders. Don't be so humble - you are not that great. What lies behind us and what lies before us, are only small matters compared to what lies within us. Dancing is silent poetry. Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means. There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life. Don't be so humble - you are not that great. Love takes up where knowledge leaves off. Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Grove giveth and Gates taketh away. A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies. The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier. We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time. Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. Compassion is the antitoxin of the soul: where there is compassion even the most poisonous impulses remain relatively harmless. It's kind of fun to do the impossible. The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands in times of challenge and controversy. I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it. When ideas fail, words come in very handy. Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket? Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence Three times is enemy action. From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street. Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it. A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a shp, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly Specialization is for insects. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens. When love is not madness, it is not love. Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work. The quality of the moment is more important than the number of our days. I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. Why is it drug addicts and computer afficionados are both called users? If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it. The best proof of love is trust. Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street. Compassion alone stands apart from the continuous traffic between good and evil proceeding within us. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains Love is the energy of the soul. Love is what heals the personality. There is nothing that cannot be healed by love. There is nothing but love. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. Those who are willing to sacrifice essential liberties for a little order, will lose both and deserve neither. An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. Love is the immortal flow of energy that nourishes, extends and preserves. Its eternal goal is life. A woman knows the face of the man she loves as a sailor knows the open sea. The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier. Grove giveth and Gates taketh away. The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. If a man does his best, what else is there? The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head. A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered. The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.